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00:00:00:00 – 00:00:19:05
Hello. I’m Elliott Ward, addiction specialist. And welcome to another
episode of Coming Clean with me. Joining me today in the studio is
Matthew Hopkins. Born in the Midlands, the troublemaker of seven
siblings. Matthew’s childhood was a whirlwind of attention seeking
and rebellion. School was just a pit stop on his way to that he
thought was his destiny.

00:00:19:06 – 00:00:44:04
The army but fate had other plans. Matthew joined at 16 and 18. A
medical discharge shattered his dreams, sending him spiraling into a
world of self-destruction and self-sabotage. Brawls became his new
battlefield. Steroids, his armor and drugs, his escape from user to
dealer. Matthew’s life was a runaway train headed for disaster. Then
came the wake up call prison.

00:00:44:06 – 00:01:04:11
Eventually, a voice whispered, find help. And that voice led him to
me. And what happened next? Well, let’s just say that the Matthew
sitting across to me today is a whole new man. Stronger, both
mentally and physically. Eight months clean and counting. Matthew is
sharing his journey from soldier to inmate to recovery warrior. How
you doing, Matthew? Thanks for joining you.

00:01:04:17 – 00:01:23:16
That’s one hell of an introduction. You like that? Yeah, yeah. Built
you up right? Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Cool, man. Tell me about what
it’s like growing up in Felixstowe for you. to be fair, it was
pretty much a, seaside town, you know, pretty dead. Not really much
going on. a retirement town. And then you’ve got the port, which is
one.

00:01:23:16 – 00:01:46:07
My dad moved there, for work when I was probably about two years
old. yeah. It’s just not really much going on down the arcades. What
did your mum and dad do? my dad worked on a dock. he was a forklift
driver, but, like, the big ones for containers. my mum and dad’s
from when I was young, so my mum really didn’t do too much.

00:01:46:07 – 00:02:03:04
It was like back home forward from the Midlands to, back to
Felixstowe. And then she got into care work and done a lot of, care
work with old people, prescribing medication, all sorts of stuff.
And you’ve got a sister, I believe. I’ve got four sisters. Four
sisters? Yeah. Okay. What’s your relationship like with your
sisters?

00:02:03:05 – 00:02:25:17
Upbringing? Yeah. Yeah, all of my family, like, we’re really, really
close. brothers and sisters. Like, we’re the kind of like, siblings
that you could, you know, you could have a massive family wedding or
something like that. And all of us, like, would be dancing around
together, just enjoying ourselves. Like, we’re we’re really close.
Well, I actually saw the picture of, you were best man or psycho in
a suit in a wedding or so.

00:02:25:19 – 00:02:46:14
My sister. My sister. Your sister? Yeah. I saw those pictures. Yeah.
And it was heavy drinking and smoking. Just normally in your
household. Is that just normal? definitely. Yeah. Like, my dad’s,
just a it like a typical northerner, working man. Yeah. Working man.
Yeah, definitely. same with my mum and my mom’s side of the family.

00:02:46:16 – 00:03:10:10
I wouldn’t say, like, heavy drinking, as in, no one was, like, an
alcoholic or anything like that, but it was, it was. It was just the
thing to do. I thought we could see from early ages pretty much the
same as most, families, really. Of you associate Christmas with
drink. Associate birthdays of drink. My dad was massively into
football, so it’d be the football’s on.

00:03:10:10 – 00:03:26:03
I’m going to have a beer. Get me a beer from the fridge, you know,
so it’s always like, oh, we saw drinking as a part of a celebration.
I guess. Yeah. Something to look forward to. Yeah. Yeah. And I just
couldn’t wait to be able to drink as well. I’m sitting with Disney
and be like, oh, let me have a sip of that beer.

00:03:26:03 – 00:03:44:13
Do you know what I mean? And how old were you when you first started
drinking? it was the probably you’re talking the year nine. What are
you in year nine? 14. 13. 14. So it’s like we used to have the,
under eighteens used to be the German base sort of thing. You used
to have under 18, a thing called dance hall.

00:03:44:15 – 00:03:58:20
And, we used to go there and we’d all go splits and a bottle of
cider or something like that. You do the old town spin around the
circle so you could try and get pissed a lot quicker, that kind of
thing. Like just it was always like, always wanted to have a beer,
but I didn’t like the taste of it.

00:03:58:22 – 00:04:19:22
I mean, no one ever does at that age today. No, but you persisted.
Yeah. Of course. you always wanted to join the army and become a soldier. Yeah. What was the attraction of life in the military for
you? I don’t know, to be fair, I think I always, I guess it to do
with my mum and dad splitting up.

00:04:19:22 – 00:04:39:15
But I always wanted to be the big guy. Like my mum said, she could
always remember that. I always wanted to be. To be big. Like my mum
would be like, what you want to do when you grow up. I want to be
big. I want to be a big man, you know? And it was always like, the
army is like your a man’s banana and it was always the thing that I
wanted to do.

00:04:39:21 – 00:05:03:17
I had no interest in education. I think nowadays obviously I’m 37
now. Nowadays they’d be saying, look, this lad’s got severe ADHD or
whatever. back then I was just a little shit, you know, I was not
interested in education, learning. I just didn’t see the point in
it. You know? I was just like, I’m going to be a soldier.

00:05:03:17 – 00:05:29:20
And that’s what mattered to me. And tell me about your first
experience using the packet. So I joined the Army. 16. I went to
Army Foundation College, Harrogate. and I done a, a year there where
we do, like all military stuff and, like, basic education and
things, to give you an extra, like, it’s like a junior leaders kind
of thing.

00:05:29:22 – 00:05:54:00
And I remember we had a weekend out, in Leeds. it was like a weekend
off, and a few of us went out, me with a couple of lads, like, from,
different places. Sunderland was what lad from Wigan, a lad from
Leeds. So all different backgrounds, all mixed in as one. we went
out and was in a bar and there was a group of people there on a stag
do from Birkenhead.

00:05:54:02 – 00:06:09:17
I always remember it because the, the guy picked up my drink and I
was drinking like a Budweiser or something like that, and he was
drinking, I know, like a JD and Coke or something. So he complete
different drinks and he picked up mine and I always remember he had
his hand over top of it and give it back to me.

00:06:09:17 – 00:06:27:19
And I was like, it’s a bit odd, so just get down here. And I was,
all right. So I drank it. And I remember walking outside of the bar,
and I looked at my mate, and I took a deep breath in, and I was
like, oh, so the fresh air around here, like, really nice. And he
was like, what the fuck are you doing, you weirdo?

00:06:27:21 – 00:06:44:19
And I was like, oh, it’s like, it just feels feels really good. And
he was like, you know, you know, acting like it’s weird. And then
the same guys they offered me, a big gear. So I had some. And the
next morning I remember waking up feeling like shit, but they were
like, what you want to do tonight?

00:06:44:19 – 00:07:13:07
And I was like, let’s go get some more pills. It was almost like,
you know, I enjoyed the let’s do it again kind of thing. And then
where did that go from there? to be fair, when it didn’t go out of
control, like, it was, I guess it was like, as soon as one of my
friends I was in the army with and, me and him would come back on
leave and we’d go home and we just get, like, a little half.

00:07:13:09 – 00:07:30:22
Do you know what I mean? But back then, you get in a half and a half
is going to last you for a while, because it was probably more pure
than the shit you’ve got in the these days. And we’d share it. We’d
have a couple of bumps here and there. It would be, you know, you
can go home, you go to sleep and you all right.

00:07:30:22 – 00:08:00:22
You wake up the next day and it’s just like having a drink. So it’s
just doing bits like that. And then it started to get a bit more.
And then I got a medical discharge from the Army. And I think that
was you’re 18 at this point. I was 18. Yeah. So I I’ve got quite
sensitive skin and I got in contact with the oils called OMD 90
because I was a reconnaissance tank driver and whilst was used to
learning the basic like, maintenance on the tanks, I burned away my
skin and, they gave me a medical discharge.

00:08:00:24 – 00:08:16:01
I left, and I think I must have cried for about a week. I was like,
what the fuck am I going to do with my life now? So I didn’t have a
backup plan. You know, everyone seems to have these little ideas.
I’m like, I want to be a soldier. There’s nothing else I want to do.
There’s different things.

00:08:16:01 – 00:08:38:21
Like I when I was taking it back to when I was at school, they took
me out of school when I was in uni and I done, two days at school,
two days at college, and one day at, like, I guess it’s like a
naughty boy’s place. but I got kicked out of college. the school was
just like, you’re a lost cause.

00:08:38:23 – 00:08:55:14
so there was nothing else that I wanted to do. My, like, my dad’s,
my he was like, come do some plumbing with me. My dad was like, why
don’t you get into that? I’m not. And I was one of the a soldier.
Not interested in nothing else. So then when I got medical
discharge, I found a lot of lads that were knocked about off at
school.

00:08:55:16 – 00:09:16:18
Were still, like, almost like in the kid mentality. But because of
join the Army, you’re straight away. You’re taught to be a man. So
going to house parties and all sorts of stuff. Just an interest to
me. I want to be in a pub, you know, like I wanted to be a man. so
yeah, I was just very lost.

00:09:16:18 – 00:09:46:01
My friends that I used to knock about with, didn’t really have
anything in common with them. just. I found myself on my own quite a
lot. I then started forklift driving, for, placement. That worked.
and I was just getting getting a little bit of trouble, but I was
constantly fighting. Every time I’d go out on the pace, I started
using steroids, and I started going out on the piss, and, my mates
was just like, let’s just fight.

00:09:46:02 – 00:10:10:11
We’re just fighting all the time, constantly. Just. You go out every
weekend, knows I was fighting, you know, come home. This split eyes.
Split lips or please, knocking at the door or something like that.
And then I went to prison. and then when I went to prison, it was.
And when you hear that most people on podcasts or anything, they say
prison is just like a school for criminals.

00:10:10:13 – 00:10:33:12
And that’s definitely what it is 100%. There’s no like, deterrent or
anything. you just meet people that know more about different
crimes. So then I come out and, there was a lot, asked me to move a
bit of gear for him, so I was moving a little bit. I wasn’t a drug
dealer. I was just moving a bit to make a little bit of money on the
side.

00:10:33:14 – 00:10:53:01
And. And sniff the profit. But then it slowly started to get because
it wasn’t really doing much else. I was doing the odd little jobs
here. I was trying different careers, different paths. I found it
would be like a Tuesday night and I’d pick up and then I’d sit there
and I’d be like, I’m going to get on it.

00:10:53:03 – 00:11:17:21
And the used to be people will be around me, and I’d offer them
lines just so I could have somebody to to get on it with. yeah. And
I then I between the ages of 19 or. Yeah, 19 and 23 I think I’d say
they were probably my worst years. went to jail three times. Only a
couple of months at a time.

00:11:17:23 – 00:11:40:16
fighting, doing, just typical ballocks up, to be honest with you.
Like looking back at the person that I was, always nothing more than
just an absolute bellend like I was for. I was Jack the lad, for I
was God’s gift to women. For I was like, I could fight any man on
the planet. I was just an absolute knob, do you know what I mean?

00:11:40:18 – 00:12:14:21
And that was because I was just lost. Lost, angry at the world, not
knowing what what I’m going to do in my life. And then drugs just
started taking a big part of it. and what sort of quantities were
you using? at the start? Like a couple of, like it would be a gram
here and there, but then it it would go like I do, you know, on a
Saturday night, say, for example, I do a gram, a couple of grams and
then you’d feel like shit and then it’d be the Monday or Tuesday.

00:12:14:21 – 00:12:33:17
Tuesday comes you, you, I, I see drug use is like a roller coaster.
Unless you’re doing it every day. You’ve got an emotional roller
coaster. So you use on say, the Saturday. The Sunday you sit there
feeling sorry for yourself and you want someone to give you a cuddle
and tell you friends, all right. The Monday you start contemplating
your life thinking, what am I going to do?

00:12:33:18 – 00:12:47:07
I’m sick of this shit. I want to do this. I want to do that. But a
Tuesday you start to sort of balance back out again, see, like, I
was I was just stupid. I was thinking, you know, all the wrong
thoughts on that. I. I’ll be all right. I’ll have a little bit more.
I haven’t got a problem.

00:12:47:09 – 00:13:08:13
And it was just constantly like that. but yeah, just as the years go
on, it just seemed to get worse and worse, doing a lot more and,
acting a lot more different than the person that I am today, for
sure. Like a revolving door. Most definitely. And was it dry
sniffing or alcohol as well or how was it for you.

00:13:08:18 – 00:13:33:12
Alcohol. Alcohol was alcohol was your gateway. Oh most definitely.
Did you never use it that alcohol. No no no one’s. No it wasn’t, it
wasn’t my thing. Like if I, I was like I’d have I’d have a line and then, but I, if I knew I was going out drinking there was not like
I’m just going to sit here and sniff because I’ll be honest, like,
my head, my head would just spiral like, even when I do too much
good.

00:13:33:14 – 00:14:02:05
Like towards the end of my using, I turned into an absolute fruit
bat. You know, my brain was just absolutely fried. In what way?
paranoia. so going through like the years of me using it got worse
and worse. although I’d be there at, like, flats, houses, stuff like
that, and I would be with partners and I’d just get into my head
there staring at my mates or mate, just staring at them.

00:14:02:07 – 00:14:26:09
I was paranoid all the time, asking like my missus, if you chat to
this guy, if you’ve done this, if you’ve done the same with, like,
my powers, like, is she ever try to on with you all or or whatever?
And it was just constant paranoia. that was created by by drugs.
Most definitely. but towards the end of my using, it got real bad.

00:14:26:09 – 00:14:45:06
Where I was seeing things when I’d get on it, like, well, I
remember, I remember sitting there with my toes and I shit, you
know, like, I can see it right now. I didn’t make it up like I saw
it. And I saw a geezer coming down the side of the house, like he
was coming down inside the house.

00:14:45:06 – 00:15:08:15
He’s gonna come through the window. Come at me. I was always
convinced that somebody was coming to get me. Or I’d say more. Say
to my mates like. Like, what was the problem? I was going on like,
you got somebody coming to to do me and or something, you know what
I mean? It was just a constant, like, I love it now, but it’s it’s
insanity, you know, like your your brain’s just it’s gone.

00:15:08:15 – 00:15:36:07
It’s what they call it drug psychosis, you know, and that is, it’s a
dangerous place to be. I found myself, like, I cut about with knives
at my house. I’d go to bed with a knife next to me. Or, you know, I
always remember once I was picking up some gear and I come outside
the house and there’s a couple of times with, some cases I was
picking up of tucked a knife or knife in the footwell as I was
getting in the car and know, what the fuck are you doing?

00:15:36:09 – 00:15:50:00
And I was all calm. My head’s just gone a bit. And he was like, you
don’t get none more, get in, do. And I’m like, yeah, take me to
cashpoint. Come on, man, and you block what the fuck I’ve got in another time and I don’t know if I’m a pocket and a like. I sat down
and like, prick my ass and I was a fucking.

00:15:50:00 – 00:16:14:03
I pulled the knife out. The taxi driver was like, what the fuck are
you doing? I was like, mate, I just, I just carry these about with
me. Not that I’ve ever stabbed anyone or anything that. But there
was just something that I need. I always need a knife with me. But
it got to a point with, like, I was around my friend’s house, and
him and his missus, were standing there and his missus could see
something.

00:16:14:03 – 00:16:29:18
She didn’t use any gear or anything. Not because she said to me,
look, I think I’m going to move these. So like a knife block, she’d
pick them up and put them in the cupboard like it was normal,
because that was my go to. I’ll just want to carve out some knives
in my hand. So you were known for this?

00:16:29:18 – 00:16:56:20
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Within my close group of friends, 100%. Oh. What
was the craziest thing you did during your usage? Jesus, there’s
loads of, I think the most, the biggest one that sits with me that I
find is, the most insane was with one of my childhood friends. I
don’t really see him that much anymore.

00:16:56:20 – 00:17:11:10
I didn’t really see him at the time. It’s like one of them people
that you bump into in the pub have a couple of noises. We have a
couple of drinks with and all sorts of stuff. And then, I end up
going back to his. And we were sniffing and sniffing and drinking
and drinking went into like 24 hours.

00:17:11:10 – 00:17:25:19
Do you know what I mean? And that was when I saw people coming down
the side of the building. I told them to close the doors and he’s
like, look, I’m going to go to bed. And it was it be like, oh, my
head’s going. My, I always used to say that to my friends and that
I’ve, you know, I’ve got my head’s gone and they’re like, you’re
right.

00:17:25:19 – 00:17:49:16
I’m like, yeah, but I need another line. And they’re like, your
fucking mental. Like, your head’s gone, but you need another line
because you think that’s going to sort you out, but it’s not. It’s
going to make you worse. And I remember saying to him, he was going
to bed, and I told him to lock the doors and lock the doors, and I
moved his clothes was he had some clothes area on clothes was I
moved in front of the door and he got his his mattress out of his
bedroom.

00:17:49:16 – 00:18:09:11
I told him to bring it in the front room while I laid on the couch
and keep looking at me. And if I was still awake, don’t fall asleep.
So someone’s going to come through the door. Like, how did this
affect your physical health? That your extreme usage? physically, I
don’t really like. I’d let myself go every now and then, but I was
always into the gym.

00:18:09:11 – 00:18:30:05
Always like my ADHD plays a massive part in, you know, one day I
want a box, next day I want to go to a gym. Next day I want to start
a new hobby, like table tennis or something. You know what I mean?
It’s like not I’ve ever played table tennis, but it’s one of them
things where, you know, I get these, these ideas and it’s all or
nothing and I go straight into it.

00:18:30:05 – 00:18:49:19
So I’ve always been physically I’ve looked after myself, but the
few, the few times, like, you know me now, I’ve been on the journey
for quite a few moments now with trying to work on my physique and
but previously, like Christmas time, I did. I share like real chubby
cheeks and just nothing. No, no real shape to me.

00:18:49:19 – 00:19:24:02
I’ve always been a bit of a lump, but nothing. No, no real shape. To
me, the biggest thing I think that affected me was, mentally,
mentally for sure. And I suppose the, the effect on like my, my
loved ones around me definitely. Do you think it affected your
family? Big time way. I mean like over the years, my mum actually,
at my sister’s wedding, she gave me a hug and she got upset and I
was only talking a couple of days ago about this podcast, and she
got upset.

00:19:24:07 – 00:19:44:07
But my mum to me, that’s my queen. Like, I love my mum more than
anyone on the planet. Like, she’s just, she means the world to me.
And, she got upset and she just says to me, like, I’m so proud of
you all because I don’t need to worry. Like on 37 years old. And I’m
like, you should take it back.

00:19:44:07 – 00:20:11:03
Six months ago, if I said I’m going out in a piss, she won’t be able
to sleep because she didn’t know if, there’s police going to be
knocking at the door or something’s going to happen or, you know,
and it was. But also with that, there’s times with ex-partner
where, you know, before I knew my mum early, I was in the morning
because I’m not allowed back in the house or, you know, I’ve, I’ve
kicked off or something or she’d phone me and be like, the police
are here, where are you?

00:20:11:05 – 00:20:32:01
And, I’d just be off my nut somewhere or. Excuse me. Or if I
couldn’t, she couldn’t get hold of me a couple of times where I just
go missing, telephone off, and won’t be able to get hold of me for a
few days. So, yeah, had a massive effect on my sisters and stuff as
well. My sister, she’s 23.

00:20:32:03 – 00:20:53:16
So taking it back. What, you think I’ve been using it now for what,
20 years? So over them 20 years, I think in her early teens and
stuff like that. Like she’d have to because I’d be staying at my
mum’s a few times here and there. There’s police coming in my house
looking for me, or she’s asleep in bed going into her bedroom.

00:20:53:22 – 00:21:16:10
You know, it can’t be a nice thing for for any of them to be, for
sure. But when did you hit rock bottom at the point where you had to
stop or you just realized if you didn’t, you could end up destroying
yourself? So of there’s been a couple of times where I’ve come to,
like the, the realization of this, this is no good for me.

00:21:16:12 – 00:21:41:15
Like my best mate call. like he’s he’s something else. He’s seven
years sober. and he runs, a Cocaine Anonymous meeting in Ipswich.
And he’s always said to me, look, Matt, the door’s always there. If
you like more, it’s always going to be here. And, I manage one day I
phoned him, I said, look, I need to.

00:21:41:15 – 00:21:58:21
I had a bit of a breakdown. I went to a meeting, but I was doing it
for the wrong reasons. So I was going for a relationship. To try and
work on a relationship, you need to go get help. So I’m like, okay,
cool. Is this going to save the relationship? Yeah, I’m going to
come. I’m going to come and I’m going to be sober, blah, blah, blah.

00:21:58:21 – 00:22:25:17
So you’ve got a partner and it’s affecting your relationship, and
she’s saying you need help and you think you’re going there to save
your relationship, not to help your addiction 100%. Yeah. So then
that lasted like three months. And I went out the door, started
drinking again, started using again. then I’ve done it again
because, like, I know a thing around a relationship, around family
and stuff, they saw the massive change in me again.

00:22:25:19 – 00:22:41:19
I can find, like, I’m a nice person, like I had today. The person
that I am, like I was even speaking without a couple of days ago is
like, do you like the person you, I’m not, I said it with so much
passion about fucking what I do. Like. I’m a good man. I’ll do
anything for anyone.

00:22:41:21 – 00:23:01:19
Like, you know, I’ll give you my shirt off my back, like, I’m a very
under my exterior as well. I’m a very soft, loving man. but when I’m
drinking and using on the complete opposite, I don’t give a shit
about you. I don’t care what’s going on, I will, I think, looks and
you should be listening to me.

00:23:01:19 – 00:23:26:03
And the the light needs to be on me, and everything revolves around
me. so like, with with that and with the way that I speak to
different people and they say the what the person that I’ve become
now is, is so much of, a better reflection because I’m doing this
for myself. When I done, when I went into recovery before, it’s
doing it for other people.

00:23:26:03 – 00:23:46:08
That’s when you it just flops and it doesn’t it doesn’t go well
because I also back on myself as well. I’d sit there and go, oh, I
hate this stuff. Or I’d go into a pub and go, fuck, look at them not
drinking. I wish I could drink, but now I go, I’m glad I’m not
drinking. I don’t want to drink like I don’t look at people and
think that I’m losing out.
00:23:46:10 – 00:24:09:08
I feel like they’re losing out because they’ve not got what I’ve
got, you know? So it’s it’s a mindset thing. If you’re going to do
this for, for other people to save a relationship, to make somebody
else happy and pleasing with your etc., the inevitable is going to
happen. You’re going to fail. Most definitely. I agree, I think
you’re quite impulsive as well.

00:24:09:08 – 00:24:38:13
I think I’m very impulsive. I know you quite well, is quite
impulsive, which means that you think less about you, or you used to
think less about using, And I think now you think about the about
the the consequences of your usage. Yeah, definitely. There’s
there’s a lot of stuff that I’ve, I’ve done in my life, like, say,
impulsive, wise, like, I, I remember being in a pub and everyone was
talking about different things and just using a lot of drugs is
like, you know, the typical British pub.

00:24:38:16 – 00:24:56:11
Everyone’s just doing gear at the bar, you know, one of them, one’s
and I remember waking up the next morning. I went and saw a one way
ticket, some New Zealand. I didn’t know nothing about a place and
had them, and I was at work. A month later I flew out to New
Zealand. I got there and I remember calm eyes.

00:24:56:12 – 00:25:19:10
I phoned my mum, come over. Done. And this is only what is this,
2016? So not so many years ago. I know I was there for a year. I
know I was, I was, training at City Kickboxing because I’m into my
boxing, as you know, and I was doing a bit of kickboxing and
training and I got in good shape and my head was in a good place and
stuff.

00:25:19:12 – 00:25:37:04
Then more influence came. a brother came out there, we started
partying a little bit, and then it just seemed to as soon as I got
back to the UK, my because of my record, I couldn’t get sponsorship.
So after that year they sent me home. And then as soon as I got back
to UK Bank, straight back on it.

00:25:37:06 – 00:26:01:07
Back into your environment. Yeah, but the one thing that I’ve
learned and the one thing for anybody that’s like listening to this
podcast, is it doesn’t matter your environment, you’ll find it, you
will, you will, you will be the person that’s in you if you don’t
make the changes that that’s that’s a fact I went to, like I went
to, Thailand.

00:26:01:08 – 00:26:21:08
So I went to America, for a job offer. I got a five year visa. And
this is, actually one thing that I was looking forward to getting
off my chest on this podcast because a lot of my family and friends
think that I got sent home from America because of my criminal
record. I failed to drug test, and no one knows that.

00:26:21:10 – 00:26:49:02
Like so. This is an exclusive. it’s just how did that come about?
You? How did that come about? You’re in America. Well, so I went to
America. there was a lad he I saw was a telecoms rigger. I used to
build towers of masts, for a company. But on behalf of O2, Vodafone
and I saw on, Instagram there was, a lot that I used to work with,
and he was, climbing a tower, but he was in America, so I missed him
like we do.

00:26:49:02 – 00:27:04:20
Not there. He said, I’m working for a company. Do you want a job? I
was all on guard, and he was like, yeah, yeah, you can. So I spoke
to this manager and he said to me, because of data protection or
laws and stuff, just like telling me I ain’t got a record, they’re
not going to look into it.

00:27:04:20 – 00:27:23:13
You’re not. You’re not mad at anyone, you’re not this, you’re not
that, blah, blah. So you’ll be fine. So I lied about it, but I went
to my cousin’s wedding in the Midlands. and there was a lot there
that I didn’t know was talking about Covid, didn’t want to be a gay,
but I know. So yeah, me to end up getting on it.

00:27:23:15 – 00:27:44:10
But when I landed, that was like two nights before I went to
America, I flew out to America. I was there for two weeks, and after
the first week and a half, I had to do a drugs test. Took like for
four days to come back. Come back. And I thought it would help me.
But when they turned around and said, look, it’s come back positive
for cocaine.

00:27:44:12 – 00:28:00:19
And I said, yeah, like I’ve done a bit at a party because there’s a
leaving party, don’t really do that kind of thing. Know, like, who
the fuck you just admitted to taking drugs? Like, why don’t you lie
about it? And they sent me home. And I’ll be honest with you, like,
man to man. That was my breaking point.

00:28:00:20 – 00:28:19:09
I was like, I’m. I’m done. It’s the only time I think I’ve been in a
lot of dark places. But that time, the always I was ready to jump
off a building. I was ready to take my life 100%. And I don’t think
if it wasn’t for my mum, I think, or to possibly or I don’t think
I’ll be sitting here no.

00:28:19:11 – 00:28:43:20
but that again, impulsiveness, but also striving for more of always
wanted more. So I, I booked a one way ticket again to Thailand, and
I went to a Thai boxing camp. and I booked in there for a month. I
landed there 102 kilo, and I flew back, four weeks later, 86 kilo,
because I was just training like hell.

00:28:43:22 – 00:29:06:12
on a Sunday, I’d go up to, like, the, the monasteries and stuff. Get
blessed by the monks. I wasn’t watching TV. I wasn’t getting any
outside influence. And I was training with somebody that done. he
was a diver, and, I got to be speaking to him. He looked to my, my
CV, and then I’ve pursued my career that I’m doing now.

00:29:06:17 – 00:29:31:23
I flew out to Saudi Arabia. I was working there, but I found every
time I’ve done these things, I went to Thailand. When I got back
from Thailand, I went back to my undies in the Midlands until I’d
get this start in my career. I mean, no, and I got an old Tinder
Tinder date. And soon as I was sitting there having a drink to get
on it, and then can you get any gear?

00:29:32:01 – 00:29:53:00
And it’s like, boom, straight, straight back on it. When I, when I
went to Saudi, I was there for three months and I’ll come back and
as soon as I got back, the first thing I’d done get myself sorted
out. I’m got on the piss, but bang back on the gear. You know, it’s
just something that always drew me back to it, no matter what my
environment.

00:29:53:02 – 00:30:11:07
Like when I was in Thailand, I had a couple of weeks traveling about
on my own, and I’d heard that you could do Ritalin, which gives you
a similar sort of buzz as cocaine, because obviously Thailand, you
ain’t getting cocaine out there. in the, apparently, if you take it.
But I took it, it made me sleepy.

00:30:11:07 – 00:30:33:07
And I know you got ADHD and I’m like, yeah, I think so. In a lot
games you can sniff it if you want and then that’ll get you high. So
I’m there on an island in Thailand. Sniff in Britain and try and get
myself high and then drinking mushroom shakes and whatever else to
give me that escape. and what my physiotherapy did you turn to in
how successful they’ve been for you?

00:30:33:09 – 00:31:04:19
Cocaine Anonymous I tried twice. I, done some counseling as well.
with counseling, it was good because I, I could get stuff off my
chest and see things from a different point of view. So the way that
I looked at things is different. It’s obviously I’m going to be if
I’m in with drink, drink and drugs as you know, you’re the constant
victim.

00:31:04:21 – 00:31:30:06
It’s everybody else’s fault, everybody else’s problem. They draw you
to it. If they didn’t do this, you wouldn’t have got off. You’re
right. Blah blah blah. I’m the victim. Pull me, pull me. So it was
good in that aspect to hear it and look at things in a different,
different way. But then as soon as the counseling means over, that’s
like, bang back to my own thoughts with CA, obviously I’ve done it
for the wrong reasons.

00:31:30:08 – 00:32:01:13
CIA works like 100%. It works for certain people and that’s proof.
With my best of my call. He is. He’s seven years clean. I’ve got
other friends that are in the meetings two, three years clean, and
they live a great life sober. It didn’t work for me, I think for my
career because of the the career that I’m in, my work, different
hours, different countries, etc. and I, I didn’t have, you know, you
need to make them calls every day and stuff like that.

00:32:01:13 – 00:32:24:03
And they’ve it’s it’s very, very militant in that aspect. So I’ll
also when your head’s not right for it and you’re doing it for the
wrong reasons. If somebody is telling you to do something
automatically, you don’t want to do it. So that didn’t that didn’t
work for me the couple of times. And then seeing yourself, how did
you hear about me through,

00:32:24:05 – 00:32:53:16
Dapper laughs okay. On his Instagram, I saw his Instagram and
obviously saw your, podcast with him. And I keeps, kept seeing these
podcasts and stuff. And, you know, a lot of people like the, the
average, average guy like I, I myself, I call myself is your average
Joe, you normal guy. Look at a lot of celebrities and look at and
think, well, there’s slippery there’s that that they’re around it.

00:32:53:16 – 00:33:15:02
So that’s why they’re bad. They’ve got loads of income. So that’s
why they’re bad. completely different. So I looked at that and
looked at like the different things of our and I have spoke to that
for a few times and like he has sent me messages on, like my
recovery of advice and things because I’ll reach out to anyone.

00:33:15:02 – 00:33:41:05
Like I’m not a shy guy, I’ll talk to anyone about anything. but
yeah, he I saw you, obviously yours and I, I think I messaged you on
Instagram and you said, like, this is your number. And then,
obviously you weren’t from there. and it’s like, something’s just
switched in my head. You know, we’ve had our meetings, and yeah,
I’ve not, I’ve not used.

00:33:41:06 – 00:34:04:14
What was it like for you? life changing. Like like life changing.
Like it when I think about it now, like big, ugly, ugly, ugly. like,
now I’m getting a bit choked up because it’s the way that I am, to
the person that I was and always, always searching for to be like,
I’m a good guy.

00:34:04:14 – 00:34:28:22
Like, why can’t I become this person? And then to come to your
sessions and then to step back, take a step back from it and go
fucking now, like I’ve gone to see a person you’ve got inside my
head and totally changed the way that I think it’s amazing. Is this
life changing? Like totally, totally life changing? It’s it’s just
amazing.

00:34:28:24 – 00:34:53:22
I’m so proud of you man. Like I, I’m of all my clients. Yeah. And
you’ve been sober and clean for how long. 206. 207 days. Something
like that. Yeah. Life’s so much different right. So much different
completely. Yeah I I feel like, Excuse me. I’m going to prison. Like
when you’re in the madness of drinking, drugs no matter what.

00:34:53:22 – 00:35:25:03
Sort of like addiction. It doesn’t. It doesn’t, what’s the right
word? I don’t know the right word, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t, pick
certain individuals. It doesn’t. If it wants to cling onto you, it
will cling onto. I don’t believe personally that you’re born with an
addiction. I believe that you you have it in your and and you can
form it to grow, you know, and I think that.

00:35:25:05 – 00:35:48:19
When you’re always lost in addiction to drugs, to using and you
don’t feel like it’s scary like anybody that’s, that’s sitting there
listening to this, watching this, know whatever is spoken to people
about recovery, it’s it’s it is scary and or you boring. You never
see you never see somebody to say like you’re having a drink. I’ve
had family members and stuff while you’re not drinking, still not
drinking, not.

00:35:48:19 – 00:36:10:05
And then not because you’re boring. I’m like, you’re fucking boring
me. You’re doing the same thing day in, day out and you can’t
remember most of it. And then you sit there sulking and crying
because your life’s going to shit or you’re depressed, but it’s
because you’re going on this constant rollercoaster of drinking and
taking drugs. And I didn’t find myself pregnant.

00:36:10:05 – 00:36:33:10
I didn’t find like I wanted to be around with family. Like I’d
always let people down. Like, I’ve got nine nieces. And I’d say to
my sisters, I want to get back, I’m going to do this. I’m going to
do that never materialized. I’ll never do it. But this week alone,
I’ve been back. I went to the cinema with my nieces yesterday, the
day before, so that my sister to look after Melvin, nieces the day
before that, I went to pay to play with my sisters.

00:36:33:14 – 00:36:57:03
And, I’m going through these tight little holes, trying to go down
these slides and all sorts of stuff. You’re living life. Yeah.
That’s it. You see, the thing about it is people use for an escape.
They’re escaping. Whatever the problem is, is fear, trauma, you
know, upset, anger, whatever the problem is, they’re escaping. But
now you’ve made your life of such a high quality that you don’t need
to escape it.

00:36:57:05 – 00:37:28:19
Yeah, yeah. Most definitely. do find like I speak to people now.
that have that want to stop drinking, stop using drugs. I have
people messaged me on Instagram or like people will find me and but
I can’t give them a number because you become inspiring. They once
said they want to achieve what you’ve achieved 100%. But every time
I do speak to them, these people, they’re like, they’re in so much
fear because we’re bred, we’re in this Western society.

00:37:28:21 – 00:37:50:21
The only thing that is that we’re we’re taught to walk, we’re taught
to talk and all that sort of stuff. Everything we learned alcohol.
Will we learn that straight away? You know, you go to a wedding,
what’s everyone do they choose like you go to a funeral, you cheers
to the person that’s passed away. You Christmas year. Cheers to
Merry Christmas, a birthday exactly the same thing.

00:37:51:02 – 00:38:07:20
So it’s bred into us. So everyone’s just so fearful of the
of thinking. Well, how am I supposed to so socialize? How am I
supposed to do this? How am I supposed to do that? But it’s cutting
the people out. And like, I’ve got a close group of friends now that
don’t drink. And have you lost friends?

00:38:07:22 – 00:38:33:14
Have you lost friends? Yeah. Most definitely. Yeah. I wouldn’t say
I’ve lost friends. It’s still there. But, I don’t I just don’t have
much in common. You know, I find the certain people that I’ve fought
with, my friends that really. I’m like, you’re. We’re nothing alike.
We’re literally nothing alike. But you drink, you have a bit of
gear, and you’ll be best friends.

00:38:33:14 – 00:38:47:13
If you could grab some random person off the street and you know
you’re going to talk about, get a bit of guarantee, it’s all about,
how are you gonna change the world together? You know, they’ve found
that there are friends that you used to use with which I think what you’re saying really friends, it used to use with it.

00:38:47:15 – 00:39:09:12
Now you don’t use that. Well, if you’re going to see that person,
what am I actually going to do? That person. So I didn’t do anything
with them other than use prior to that. You got free friends like
that. I’ve got somebody very close to me. very, very close to me.
that is exactly that, and I don’t we can’t me up because there’s
nothing in common.

00:39:09:14 – 00:39:31:07
And we were inseparable. And the the common ground was drink and
drugs, you know? But now I sit there and I want to talk about my
career. I want to talk about different things. Like I was talking to
you. I’m not. I’m going to be by my first house. Yeah. All that sort
of stuff, all these things like buying your first house that never
came to fruition when you were using.

00:39:31:09 – 00:39:49:21
Oh, no way. No. Oh, is that an answer as to why you shouldn’t buy a
house? Because I thought the, you know, the government’s trapping
you in to buy a house and all this ballocks that you seem to think,
you know, it’s, I wish I had my views were so fucked up. Is
unbelievable. But it was all for drinking, drugs.

00:39:49:23 – 00:40:12:00
And do you have supportive people around you now? Oh, 100%. Yeah,
100%. Like I said, my I’ve mentioned him a few times. My best mate
call like Ko call Carl Collier ko sha to ko. Love you man. Yeah.
He’s he’s he’s something else. Like I can call him any time in the
day. Like. And he’s there for me.

00:40:12:00 – 00:40:38:18
But you see, the thing is people women. Right. And many men are
taught from a small age to bottle everything up and your, you know,
don’t men don’t cry. All of that sorts of ballocks. but my close
friends, I call I’ve got a good friend Arran. They told me straight
I know won’t beat around the bush if they think I’m being a prick.

00:40:38:24 – 00:40:58:00
They’re going to tell me you’re being a prick. If I can talk to him
about different advice that you need. They won’t tell me everything
that I need to hear. Like somebody that sniffed up. Yeah. You’re
right. Yeah, definitely. You’re 100% agree with you. and blowing
smoke up your ass for no reason whatsoever. They’ll tell me. Look,
no, no, no, take a step back.

00:40:58:00 – 00:41:24:17
Think about this. Don’t make no rash decisions. You know, it’s a
it’s a proper support network. Is, like of what you need. And what
new habits have you implemented, to help you with sobriety? I go to
the meetings on a Tuesday night in Ipswich. I go to keep to keep
present and to so in my career because I work away and I come home.

00:41:24:19 – 00:41:50:12
You’re off shore. Yeah. You say that all you hear is when I come
back is. Oh, sorry. When I’m there, the everybody wants to come home
and I want a bit of a party. And then I, I would sit there and
think, fucking oh, this is still my locker. I, I’m, I’m making the
right choice. You can your mind starts playing tricks with your my
boring because I’m not going home and getting pissed up blah blah
blah.

00:41:50:14 – 00:42:17:01
So I’ll find coming. Going to a meeting keeps me present and keeps
me surrounded. But people that have been down the same path as me,
in the same roads as me, and just listening to a story and sometimes
you can feel that life’s bad, but you can hear a story and you can
be like fucking our lives. Great, you know, because like somebody my
Baba said to me today, I saw yesterday he had a cut for the podcast,
you know, did you?

00:42:17:03 – 00:42:40:16
yeah. He, he said to me, I can’t remember much I thought was a was I
suppose I said before, the way people look at you differently, I
don’t know. Okay. It’s gone. implementing new ways of your sobriety
to stay clean. well, I was for that do. Really? I try and you go to
the gym a lot, right?

00:42:40:16 – 00:43:08:24
You always did that. But I think you’re training is much more
intense and much more focused. I tell you one thing I can’t do. Sit
still. I can’t, I can’t stay, stay still because I get inside my own
head. So I try and make sure I’m doing something every day. Oh, my
sisters I spend a lot of time on is because they give you like, I’ll
go from my own personal things at the minute, like, don’t get me
wrong, like anyone that thinks that you can go sober and life’s
great.

00:43:08:24 – 00:43:32:04
And anybody that does say that, to be honest with you, I think it’s
bullshit. There’s always challenges, always challenges. You’re
always going to have these hurdles that you come across. but it’s
just the way you deal with them. And because you out and you’re not
dealing with them like certain situations, I’m going for it. The
moment the first thing I would have done was pick up a drink, phoned up, made a call, got off med okay, you know, straight away, 100%.

00:43:32:06 – 00:43:54:03
But then the problems don’t go away, you know? so for myself, I try
to keep myself busy so I don’t get inside my head so my head doesn’t
spiral and start thinking like about different. Maybe the wrong fit
choices don’t get me wrong. this is the first time I’ve gone sober.
I’ve not had one single fall of drinking or using.

00:43:54:09 – 00:44:17:04
And I remember phoning you after our last session and saying, like,
I’ve just had a possum for now. And you said to me, possum thoughts
are normal. They’ll just slowly go, no, they don’t happen. But when
they was happening, I remember I, I left on meeting and I went to
meet my mates at a pub to watch, watch the boxing.

00:44:17:06 – 00:44:30:18
And I walked into a toilet and there was two lads on the. And I had
a key in a bag. No, no, no, he’s not mad is one minute he’s also
nine and I’m sweet. I don’t do it anymore. I turned around, walked
back and I sat down on a chair and I was like, what the fuck just
happened there?
00:44:30:20 – 00:44:45:11
How the hell of I just turn that down? But, And I said to my mate,
like Colin, I said to him, like, what’s going on there? And he’s
just like, we obviously work. And you just you just don’t want to do
it. And it’s just a switch. And as slowly as it goes along, I don’t
really think about it.

00:44:45:11 – 00:45:13:24
I just you say like, what? What do I do differently? I do everything
differently. Life’s just completely different. I think about a lot
as well. What? what other people think of me and like, what’s what’s
the best for myself, but what’s the best for other people to to
inspire. I’ve got a brother that’s 18, and I’m constantly thinking
about ways to inspire him and for him to look at me and think, you
know, I want to be like my brother.

00:45:14:01 – 00:45:31:11
Take it back six months, he’d be looking at me going, oh, I want to
be nothing like him, you know? So I try to do everything I can to
just, you know, be a better person, I guess. It’s nice. You’re very
well known in Ipswich. what do people say to you now that they know
that you’re sober and clean?

00:45:31:11 – 00:45:48:23
Because, you know, you wear it as a badge, which I think is an
honorable thing to do? Yeah. and you upload it, you upload positive
things on your social media. But one of the people you bump into in
Ipswich this year, so I get a lot of people come up and they’ll
they’ll give me praise. Like I get a lot of people saying they look
a lot more healthy.

00:45:49:00 – 00:46:12:13
you know, on, obviously doing really well and stuff. But you do, you
do get the people saying, oh, it must be boring. You know, you do
get the negative side of things as well. And also, I think, you
know, you’ve been a dickhead for so long. It doesn’t matter how good
you’re doing, somebody is always going to be there to remember, you
know, the bad.

00:46:12:15 – 00:46:46:06
so it’s difficult because I’ve painted such a bad picture of myself
over the years. So it’s difficult, but it has given me a lot of, I
suppose, deep insecurities about myself as well, where, you know,
you feel like you’re constantly being judged. You’re everybody’s
looking at you as if like, that’s made as repellent. But there was a
time where I’d walk into a bar and there’d be people drinking and
stuff, and you’d see people without my eyes, and they’d get up and
and walk off, you know, because I was a dickhead.

00:46:46:08 – 00:47:05:16
But now I do see people go out the way to speak to me. And like I
said, reaching out and asking for help. That’s nice. So, yeah, it is
good. It’s a great feeling in a way. You inspire other people to
probably get help. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. But it’s funny
though, because I get people phone me up and they’re like, I’ve got
a problem with drugs.

00:47:05:18 – 00:47:19:02
I’m like, okay, so you need to get sober. No, and I still want a
drink. And I’m like, yeah, it doesn’t work like that. Or, you know,
I want to, I don’t want to do drugs. But if I go to right, if I want
to take a pill every now and then, I want to do this one, do that.

00:47:19:08 – 00:47:34:13
I’m like, you want to come down, give me a call in a couple of days
when you when you’ve got better, you know, because everybody does
that, don’t they. The amount of times I’ve done it over the years,
we all do that until finally the day comes. If the day comes for
people. Yeah, it’s that’s a problem. I think that’s one one thing.

00:47:34:15 – 00:47:54:20
I was at PSI meeting the other day and, there’s, there’s a lot my, my mate Tim, who’s a crack and heroin addict. And now if you saw
him, like, he’s a bit of a boy. He’s a fucking lovely lad. I’ve got
something about him. and we get on really well. We play, five a side
football on a Thursday.

00:47:54:22 – 00:48:11:10
I don’t play football like I’m not built to play football. I hear
you play some. From what I hear, you play some structure in your
life. Yeah, I football see my nieces. Yeah, yeah. Go to the gym, all
of you. You’re putting structure in, just trying to keep busy. Yeah,
but we speaking to them the other day to group, you know, that
they’re.

00:48:11:11 – 00:48:33:12
They’re explaining about, you know, it’s hard, it’s difficult, blah,
blah, blah. But then at least we’ve all got it because there’s so
many people. There is only in the city group the other day that you
hear about a girl that’s taking her own life because she’s gone back
out the door. You hear about it a lot. Like I’ve lost one of my
friends to suicide when he was intoxicated.

00:48:33:14 – 00:48:52:14
a lot that I know through, like growing up. He’s now, brain damaged
through taking his own life, and he’s intoxicated. I know people
that have been stabbed to death over drugs. You know, a classmate of
mine, he was stabbed to death over drugs like this. I’m thankful
that I’ve. I’ve seen the like. I’ve seen the like.

00:48:52:14 – 00:49:11:00
I’ve been able to get out of here, you know, because a lot of people
don’t. They’re not lucky to to realize, like, I talk to people now,
even as the group I was talking to, a mate and explaining the about
with knives and, weed and people out and having the paranoia and all
sorts of stuff. And I was a bit fucked up, mate.

00:49:11:02 – 00:49:31:11
And I’m like, yeah, but at least I recognize that, because, you
know, you see the the man on the street that’s, you know, homeless
talking to a tree or whatever is because his head’s gone fucking
drug psychosis and that’s it. He’s locked in and not coming out with
it. I was lucky to be able to come out of it and look back at and
go, wow, like I was losing my marbles.

00:49:31:13 – 00:49:53:17
I was cracking up and I was I was playing with foil. I could either
go one way or the other and off. Thankfully, I’ve gone the right
way. Last question I ask all my guests, anyone listening to this who
is struggling with addiction at this moment in time, what advice
would Matthew Hopkins give them? it’s never too late.

00:49:53:19 – 00:50:14:03
Like it’s never too late. You can always. There’s always. You don’t
need money to become clean and sober. A lot of people, a lot that I
know. Recently I’ve put them in touch with my mate call, and he’s
like 20, 30 days sober after me introducing them to, through to CIA.
if you want the help is there.

00:50:14:03 – 00:50:35:17
You just need to find it. don’t give up. And also to not even people
in addiction, anyone struggling with mental health or anything. Life
goes so by so fucking quick, like so quickly. Before you know it,
like, you know you’re 30, before you know it, you’re 40 before you
know it like it. Life just goes by so quick.

00:50:35:19 – 00:50:59:07
Take every moment as is precious and just get the help if you need
it 100%. It’s very true, very true indeed. Because I was reading
this morning on a group on Facebook. Men and their emotions When it
happens groups you set up actually and someone there’s a lot of
people writing about their addiction and somebody wrote on there
like, I’ve tried everything I can to deal with my addiction.

00:50:59:09 – 00:51:16:16
what can I do? I’m just thinking you haven’t tried everything, but
take a piece of paper and on their list, all the things you’ve tried
is what I wrote to him. Yeah, because if you list all the things you
try, let’s say if you feel a need for paging, Because unless you
feel like full page and you’re not.

00:51:16:16 – 00:51:35:24
Tried everything, of course. And he got to three, three things, he
listed, I’m like, what about the other 33 things or 43 things or 53
things? Because it’s never ending. And there’s not one methodology
that is right for everybody. Everybody has to find the right route
for them. And I think that’s really important, of course. And, I’ll
listen to like some of I listen to podcasts all the time.

00:51:36:01 – 00:52:09:14
And one of depot’s, podcasts, he was saying, if you’re sitting there
and you’re depressed, you’re anxious and I hate life and this is
blah, blah, blah, but you still drinking and using drugs like, take
out your life. Probably not going to be depressed anymore. You know,
you’re probably not going to be anxious. It’s usually the route to
most people’s problems, you know, but like, like you just mentioned
there about mental health, about men and stuff, like, I think it’s
just so important for men to speak and not be scared about speaking
like, I’ll go to my barbers and I’ll speak.

00:52:09:16 – 00:52:30:22
I’ll speak to my barber. I know, like over the past I say six months
because I used to go and then I’ll, I’ll be talking about all sorts
of stuff because I just fucking. My head was all over the place.
But, you know, the past six months, I’ll talk to him about
everything, all sorts, you know, and you can change the course of
somebody’s day by just a five minute conversation.

00:52:30:24 – 00:52:49:15
You know, getting stuff off your chest can make you feel so much
better. You know, I’ll leave this podcast now. I’ll jump in my car
and I’ll be floating because I’ve got so much off my chest, you
know, pick up your phone, speak to your friends, or just ask people
if they’re all right as well, because, Matthew, you mean to cut you
off?

00:52:49:16 – 00:52:54:24
Good. Good night. Good, good. I say, thank you very much for coming
clean with me. Thank you.