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00:00:00:00 – 00:00:26:23
Hello, my name is Elliott Wald, addiction expert. And welcome to another episode of Coming Clean with Me. Joining me today is Lauren Amy White. And at 30, Lauren’s life took a perilous turn as she fell into the grips of alcohol addiction. For five harrowing years, she spiraled deeper, grappling not only with excessive drinking but also experiment with party drugs, battling ADHD, dyslexia and debilitating eating disorders.
00:00:27:01 – 00:00:52:10
Her lowest point Lauren found herself staring into the abyss, contemplating ending it all. But fate had other plans. 18 Lauren made the courageous decision to get sober. Inspired by those thriving in recovery around her, yet her journey was far from over. A burnout 21 forced her to confront the underlying issues head on, leading to a lasting sobriety that continues to this day.
00:00:52:12 – 00:01:10:08
This is a story of second chances, unwavering determination, and the power of turning one’s darkest moments into a force for good. Welcome, Lauren. How are you doing? Hello my friends. Okay. How are you? I’m good. Lauren. Thank you for coming here today. Thank you for that introduction. I was just, like, hit on the nail, on the head. Laughter.
00:01:10:09 – 00:01:34:10
I like to do my best. I we have to apologize here or. Listen, I got to have a sore throat, but I didn’t want to let anyone down and be here today. So my first question is, can you describe your childhood and family environment, and were there any experiences that contributed to your later struggles with addiction? So my childhood is one of, in many ways amazing.
00:01:34:12 – 00:01:55:14
You know, experiences. I, I’m very close to my family. I’ve always been very close to my family. I was born in Hertfordshire, in an area called Butler in, a beautiful area. Nice house. Two brothers and sister, two parents. And, you know, on the outside, I kind of had everything right. So I went to private school.
00:01:55:16 – 00:02:20:07
Good education. I had loads of friends. But there was just a lot of, underlying issues that I had there in my childhood, and some trauma that I went through, especially, one being, you know, how you said about dyslexia and ADHD, right? Like, I don’t really talk about a lot, but, you know, I always felt incredibly, incredibly low, within myself and how I saw myself being academic, in my childhood when it came to school.
00:02:20:09 – 00:02:44:04
And then my home life was very difficult because there were some, you know, underlying issues there, with family and, and illnesses, with, you know, my mum had cancer when I was 12 and, you know, there was a lot of, addiction that run there. And it just left me feeling very unsafe. And the hardest thing that I had was obviously on the outside, everything was perfect.
00:02:44:04 – 00:03:01:17
And I think I got told from a very young age that, you know, the only way to truly be happy is to, by being perfect or what I thought life was meant to be. And, you know, I didn’t really know how to feel feelings growing up. And every time I tried to feel a failing, it was almost like easier for me to sweep under the carpet.
00:03:01:17 – 00:03:20:12
So, I had a lot of these feelings and expectations on myself and incredibly low self-esteem and low self-worth that led me to some very dark places within myself, and isolating a lot of my room subconsciously, because I was scared that I was going to fail in life. And that was a thing from a very young age that I had.
00:03:20:14 – 00:03:38:17
But if you saw me in my day to day, you’d think I’d live this perfect life. And you thought that I was is class clown at school? I had loads of friends, and I felt like, actually, I was living a double life. And while you were being the class clown at school and having lots of friends, what was like at home?
00:03:38:18 – 00:04:13:22
Oh, it was it was hard. It was very hard. I just, you know, always felt like. Oh, I said, I can’t share about this. You can share your story. Yeah. Yeah. I just felt really scared at home a lot of the time. With a lot of things going on, at home, and I used to isolate and hide in my room a lot of the time, and just sit in my room and kind of, like, subconsciously, tons of things to change what I felt.
00:04:14:00 – 00:04:42:11
Because that was my coping mechanisms are like, you know, even from a young age, self-harm was a thing. Watching programs and trying to be, outside of reality was a thing. That obviously food became very prevalent in my life, because I didn’t feel generally, like, accepted. Or maybe that was, what, you know, I thought it was going to be, by anyone else.
00:04:42:13 – 00:05:00:22
So I kind of just would hide when I was at home, these comedian talk to Bonnie because I never really knew who the un talkative, but. Yeah. Yeah. Go on. But, So. Yeah. So at home, my life was very different. So, like, I was very quiet at home. It wasn’t until later on in my life that I became a little bit of a louder.
00:05:01:00 – 00:05:25:05
But my outside was very active and very fun, and everyone saw this kind of, like, playful Lauren. But I was very scared in my home life. Now, what age did you start drinking alcohol and. And how did that come about? So drinking for me was, quite young. I went to secondary school, and I was going to, like, I’m Jewish.
00:05:25:05 – 00:05:43:01
I was go to a lot of bar mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs, and there was unlimited alcohol there. And we saw having house parties at the age of 12. So I started drinking at 12. Didn’t think anything of it at the time. I do have family members that had did struggle with alcohol. And I did know that alcohol could be a problem.
00:05:43:01 – 00:06:04:02
Did you, when you looked at other family members that had a problem with alcohol? Did you think to yourself, I shouldn’t drink because of problems with alcohol? Or did you think you. So they got problems of alcohol. It’s a role I should drink as well. I’ve never been asked that question, actually. I think the second one, I think the.
00:06:04:04 – 00:06:30:00
I wasn’t that bad. To my other siblings, all my my family members in the sense of like, you know, I would show to everyone that I had everything together. So a lot of my drinking was hidden or a lot of my using was hidden. A lot of my, you know, bulimia was hidden. So it was very easy for me to not be the most craziest in the family because all eyes were on them.
00:06:30:02 – 00:06:51:12
Rather than me. Which also is a bit of an issue because obviously, you know, I wasn’t seen as the bad one. But it was very easy for me to drink and do drugs, and even still to this day, like, you know, I wasn’t as bad as other people. So how did your drinking and using progress from the age of 13 through 15 through.
00:06:51:13 – 00:07:09:00
Oh, it got it got really bad. Like drinking with me became something that was a necessity in my life. I wasn’t the type of drinker, obviously. I had a lot of issues, with, you know, I would lose my phone on a night out, you know, I’d end up. I remember getting paralytic drunk that I couldn’t even make the club.
00:07:09:02 – 00:07:26:12
I’d end up, you know, being at the party, drinks and throwing up everywhere. Losing everything. Like all of that stuff. Ending up, like, I even buy at, like, you know, I didn’t even know I lost my virginity to, like, all of these things that happen. But sorry, I just got that. You got that drunk. You didn’t remember who you lost your virginity to?
00:07:26:13 – 00:07:47:11
No. Which is? I’ve never shared this before. Actually, we’re here to share. Oh, is that why you. Fuck, yeah. Yeah. So you got yourself in a bit of a state numerous times. Oh, numerous times. But what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t realize how progressively worse it got. But the thing that I had was the I.
00:07:47:11 – 00:08:11:11
They would call me the sober drunk. So I was the one that was always drinking and drinking and drinking and I wasn’t, like, as bad as everyone else. And I actually, by the age of 16 was working in clubs. And I loved it so much because I was at, Abercrombie and Hollister party and some guy turned around to me and was like, do you want to host tables, get girls in for free and get paid and just have alcohol?
00:08:11:11 – 00:08:30:18
And I loved it. And that was the start of like, me going out and making money by drinking. And that was like pretty much every weekend. But then it progressively got worse where I was doing it by myself a lot. And then obviously by the age of 15, my best friend turned around to me and was like, do you want to do MDMA?
00:08:30:20 – 00:08:49:04
And that was when all the rave scene started for me. And I just like, I don’t think I had a problem with drugs and alcohol, but MDMA and ecstasy was like the start of some sort of love that I had, because it just made me feel like from all those feelings and emotions that I didn’t have at that time.
00:08:49:04 – 00:09:13:16
But, you know, people around me and the love that I had myself, MDMA and XY took away and gave me all of that, gave you an identity. It gave me identity, but also gave me that element to feel my feelings. Which one? Obviously real feelings. And then obviously from 11, from 12 when I started drinking to like 18, you know, I said I’d never do drugs again, I’d never drink again and all these things.
00:09:13:16 – 00:09:43:16
And it was just a progressively an illness that was nonstop and nonstop, nonstop up things that I’d said I’d never do. I did, such as, ketamine. I’d said it never do. I got I went through, a thing that I had a rare condition called malignant Serbia, where I’m allergic to anesthetics. And they always said to me, like, the one thing that could be really dangerous for you as ketamine and by the age of 18, I was, like, going to raves and doing ketamine.
00:09:43:18 – 00:10:08:08
And when did you realize that the drinking would become problematic? I think when the believe me, I was in play, where my life was all manageable and how I describe it was like I was drinking a lot. By the time I was 18, my younger brother got diagnosed a cancer. I was going next door, the hospital and bingeing on food and then going out and partying and drinking.
00:10:08:13 – 00:10:39:18
And then I was making myself throw up, and I was fainting a lot of the time. And that was my life. I could not have a day by the end of it where I was in turn in some sort of vodka or doing some sort of drug, wasn’t doing everyday the drugs or bingeing and purging. And then I was getting really fine and losing a lot of weight because I was obviously making myself throw up and I realized that that was not normal.
00:10:39:20 – 00:11:17:00
So coping strategy was to escape from your feelings externally somehow. Exactly that. And it was to the point where I. The more I did it, the more I hated myself so much. Like, honestly, like if I look back at that show that was so young and couldn’t have a day without turning to substances or some sort, things change where I feel like I would literally turn the mirror and the light off, because I could look at myself and I hated myself because I was disgusted, had so much shame around the person that I became.
00:11:17:02 – 00:11:46:05
And how did your, addiction affect your relationship with family and friends? I was a very angry person. I shot a lot of family members out. I was very rude. I think growing up, especially in my addiction, because I hate myself so much. I pushed a lot of people away. I find it very hard to be in relationships with guys because of the shame that I had of my illnesses.
00:11:46:06 – 00:12:17:09
And. I was like, yeah, living a lie. Pretty much. What role did your diagnosis of ADHD and dyslexia? How did that play in your journey with addiction? So when me and my brother were, when I was young, me and my brother both got diagnosed with ADHD and we got put on Ritalin and I, I think subconsciously, not subconsciously.
00:12:17:09 – 00:12:45:05
Sorry. The, taking the medication was a big factor in me being dependent on substances. But also the Ritalin, the drug Ritalin itself made me very, very, like a zombie. And also what’s like it was help me lose weight. So I think that also played on a big part of my eating disorder. And even now they talk about it being a quite difficult drug.
00:12:45:07 – 00:13:09:22
But I know that I have a very addictive personality. And I also know that my head, my mind is racing 24 seven, and I know that alcohol and drugs and foods were just normal the way that I saw the world and the way that I think, and also my social anxiety, I’m a very sensitive person.
00:13:09:22 – 00:13:40:02
I’m very emotional. And I literally have got myself into work addiction before, and I’ve got myself into burnout before with my ADHD. Like I couldn’t be 1,000,000mph. And I think that the minute I drank and I did drugs, it took away all of that. So it really helped me for a period of time. But I don’t necessarily think it was a good thing in the long run.
00:13:40:04 – 00:13:59:06
So in the short term, you think it helped you, but in the long term is detrimental to you? Yeah. Okay. And I’d seen you made a decision to go and seek help for your for the alcohol addiction and the addiction itself. And you went into rehab at 18. Is that right? I mean, that’s a very young age to make that decision to go.
00:13:59:06 – 00:14:25:10
And it’s great. You know, I’d rather to go and seek help. What was it, 18 that suddenly made you decide to go and do this? So just to fast forward to what had happened. I was 17 years old. I was at Bourbon University studying business. I was in a relationship with a guy that was probably the worst possible relationship I’d ever been with.
00:14:25:12 – 00:14:59:06
Been in. He was very, He was very controlling, firm and depressive. I was, you know, a size eight. And he would tell me that I was not good looking enough or not pretty enough. So that played on a lot of my eating disorders and my, you know, body image disorder. And I, I did have in my childhood a lot of stuff happening, a lot of negative stuff happening over and over again.
00:14:59:08 – 00:15:21:17
And then what kind of, you know, pushed the, the button, the bottom was, you know, when my brother Joe, he got diagnosed with cancer, and it really affected me. I didn’t realize how much it affected me at the time. And then kind of I went into, like, sorry. How old were you at this time?
00:15:21:19 – 00:15:45:00
718. Okay. It was like a year before I dealt with my stuff. Or maybe just turned 18. And that was when it got really bad. And I couldn’t live a day without turning to some sort of substance to change where I felt, And I’m very blessed and lucky to have two family members that are sober.
00:15:45:02 – 00:16:07:18
So to understand the alcohol addiction being an addiction, rather it being just a drink was very easy for me to understand. I got introduced I since I was like 14 years old, I had family members, but family members. I had friends that also had issues of alcohol addiction. So the awareness around understanding that there was a problem, rather than actually just the drink was very easy.
00:16:07:20 – 00:16:28:15
And I my real bottom wasn’t, I was dying, but my rock bottom was literally that was one day where I couldn’t do it anymore. I went to the back of God, and an exercise addiction was also one for me. I was like making myself throw up the night before bingeing and purging, and then on the elliptical, running like 20 K, which is not normal.
00:16:28:17 – 00:16:51:22
And one of my mum’s like, friends who’s in recovery, came to the back because she knew that I was really down. She was like, are you okay? And I just broke down and I just said, I need to go get help. And then not to that moment, my mum was like, we’re going to put you somewhere. So it was my decision, luckily enough.
00:16:52:00 – 00:17:16:15
And then it was my parents were like, we’re going to put you into Charterhouse, which is, rehab in Harley Street. And I was there for months. Four months? Yeah, at the age of 18. Yeah. And I told everyone I was on work experience. Why did you do that? Because I was terrified. Because I saw it as failure to admit that you were going into a rehab whilst you’re at university, whilst all your friends are partying.
00:17:16:15 – 00:17:39:03
Like, obviously you don’t want to be like, hey guys, I’m just in rehab. You know, you said to me that your your mother had a problem with alcohol, your brother had a problem with alcohol. So, you know, as you evolve through your recovery journey, how did your relationship and dynamics between you and your mum and your brother? How did that change so much?
00:17:39:05 – 00:18:03:04
I mean, my relationship, my brother and I won’t go too much into it like is beyond incredible. And we both had our fair share of, of issues with each other in the sense of like, you know, he had his stuff, I’d had my stuff. And it was very hard for us to love each other. And now we’re like best friends.
00:18:03:06 – 00:18:31:14
He’s changed so much since getting sober. How’s he been sober 15 years? Well, yeah. What’s his name? Josh. Good on you, Josh. And he’s amazing. And he’s my inspiration. He’s probably one of the reasons why I got decided to get sober. And then my mum and I generally have had an up and down relationship, but now we are generally close to mum sober.
00:18:31:20 – 00:18:59:12
She’s ten years sober, ten. Get on your mum. Yeah, but our mum, maybe she could be longer. But. Yeah. And I just think that to see them go through the process of recovery from hating themselves and doing what they did, I knew that I wanted that, I knew that also I had to know I had no hope of being a happy person if I was still in the place that I was in.
00:18:59:13 – 00:19:27:12
But if I’m truly honest, I want people to know that just because you got sober doesn’t mean you don’t have shit like you. It just describes. I’m going back into rehab at 21, I went insane. I made myself ill from a work addiction, by just burning out, having an undiagnosed, colitis because I had not dealt with what was actually going on.
00:19:27:14 – 00:19:46:13
I won’t go to it too much into the discussing parts of it, but I had a symptom that was really bad that I ignored and they misdiagnosed me and told me it was IBS. But actually it was colitis. And I lost so much blood that I had for blood transfusions. And they said I could nearly died.
00:19:46:19 – 00:20:08:02
And the reason why I didn’t do anything about it was because I didn’t want to stop doing what I thought I needed to do, which was being successful. And I look back and I was just like, that’s how your life can get to grips of taking, you know, control. Like, I had no control, but I was scared.
00:20:08:04 – 00:20:28:12
Do you think, you know, you grow. You grew up in an environment with a mother that had no problem. A brother had an alcohol problem that was in the house. My sister, my younger brother, my dad, your sister. Your younger brother and your dad. Yeah. And did any of those have any other challenges in their life? My dad.
00:20:28:16 – 00:20:53:01
No. Okay. He was the glue. Okay. My younger brother, was he cancer? Yeah. My mum had cancer when I was 12 also, which was hard. And then my sister had struggled with some, some eating disorders. So you grew up in an environment where there were an awful lot of challenges going on? Yeah. And three of you turned to alcohol to escape from those problems.
00:20:53:01 – 00:21:19:15
Yeah, I what do you put that down to? I do think is genetics. I have a cousin who’s I’ve got family of addiction. I do think it’s like behavior. And I do think it’s, it could be mental health problems. You know, my brother’s also ADHD, and my mum suffers with depression. But I do subconsciously think that.
00:21:19:17 – 00:21:47:02
We had seen things that we shouldn’t have seen, and it was a way of dealing with what was going on, you know? And what I always say on every podcast is alcohol. Food, work was my best friend. It was for a period of time. It worked for me. And whether or not I liked it, it was my solution to my problem.
00:21:47:04 – 00:22:07:05
It always works in the beginning, doesn’t it? Yeah, that’s the problem. But that’s why I did it. But I always went back to the first time that it worked, thinking that it was going to work again, but it stopped working for me where it took grips at the end of it. And what were some of the early challenges that you faced, dealing with your sobriety?
00:22:07:07 – 00:22:45:03
Being so young, was very difficult for me. I hated, you know, admitting that I was sober in the first, like, year because it was like I had to really not be like everyone else. That was my age. And you do put yourself in a very different light world because you are different. Like, whether or not I say it or not or believe it, I am very different to most people.
00:22:45:05 – 00:23:04:05
Because when all my friends are doing drugs and drinking and walking in clubs and all that stuff, and I was walking in clubs, like, I’m obviously going to be a guy on a completely different wavelength than you because I’m sober. And, you know, the one thing that I loved about drinking was that I’d walk into a room and I didn’t have to think about anything.
00:23:04:07 – 00:23:23:02
I can go up to that guy and kiss him or, you know, I can make stupid mistakes. You know, I didn’t have to have all these feelings and thoughts. But when you’re sober, you go into a room and you start to think, oh, do I look good? To what dress am I wearing? You know, you don’t have that social anxiety, and you do find that hard because that was my crotch.
00:23:23:04 – 00:23:43:08
So I found that very hard. Dating was very difficult. A lot of guys didn’t understand me. Even now, guys don’t understand me, but it’s getting easier. But Lauren’s looking for a lover. I am looking for a lover. He doesn’t have to be sober. He has to be normal. Very familiar. Yeah. Not very normal people.
00:23:43:10 – 00:24:05:05
And he, He. So who is he? And. Yeah, it was hard. Like, I had loads of guys. Like what you don’t drink, like. And. Yeah. And I’d be shy, like, not confident. So that was dating sober was hard, which is something that I really talk about a lot being my age, because a lot of people are getting sober now talking about, you know, how do you deal with dating and going out?
00:24:05:05 – 00:24:29:03
Because a lot of people, whether you like it or not, whether people would agree first dates, people to drink, sure deal with the nerves. It’s a social lubricant because it takes away that fear. And then another thing for me, was most of the people I started surround myself with were twice my age. Because they’d gone through it is that they’d gone for it.
00:24:29:03 – 00:24:57:07
Yeah. So I had grown up, even though I’d grown up very quickly, very young. When I got sober. I grew up even quicker cause most of my friends were still doing all of this shit. And then I was like, you know, in a rehab around sex addicts and schizophrenics, and I’d experienced things that you just wouldn’t even at that age that I just stopped relating to people.
00:24:57:09 – 00:25:22:23
So that was really hard because I just like when I put myself in situations of people of my age, I just felt very different. I must be I mean, looking back and thinking, 18 years old to stop drinking alcohol when every other 18, 19 year old and 20 year old you probably know goes out, has a good night, gets drunk on a Friday and Saturday is the Norway’s exception being what it is.
00:25:22:23 – 00:25:51:18
Yeah, you know how how did you go 18, 19, 20 with people go right to those environments. How did you do that? Oh. Did you I did, looking back, I think I was insane. I still worked and clubs, I worked in clubs from 16 til 21, so I was 19 sober until 21, still working clubs, one because I was so big, I swear I was, so I was fucking good at it.
00:25:51:20 – 00:26:07:23
I was so good at it because I’m very sociable person. I used to, like, bring in 100 people and I like people like Lauren is amazing. So I was very good at it. I made lots of money, and I had a very good network of people like celebrities and well-known people. So I used to look after them in clubs and.
00:26:07:23 – 00:26:35:21
But I was teetotal. And yeah, I just remember if I look back like I did it, what I was doing, but I was very in my world. But how I treated it was like it was a job for me. But I think slowly and slowly I realized that this wasn’t right. And I realized that, you know, going into clubs and being sober was not the one for me.
00:26:35:23 – 00:26:47:13
But there were some times I don’t really show it a lot where I felt really lonely, and I would come back from a night out and really put myself down from that.
00:26:47:13 – 00:27:00:13
So my recovery hasn’t been the most smooth sailing, like, oh, yeah, you get sober and your whole lives completely changed and I’m super happy and I yeah, I’ve had I’ve had depression and recovery of anxiety and recovery.
00:27:00:15 – 00:27:22:15
I’ve had to work addiction and recovery. I’ve gone back to my insole, to my recovery. Not believe me, but binge eating. And I think it’s because one of my racing mind of the thoughts and feelings that I have. Two, that I put a lot of pressure on myself. I have a lot of expectation on myself. I’m a perfectionist and I still had a lot of battles over that was being a recovery.
00:27:22:17 – 00:27:27:19
And free. I think a lot of us in society, we all, we compare ourselves.
00:27:27:19 – 00:27:36:08
So my journey in the last so I’m 11, 11.5 years or 11 years sober,
00:27:36:08 – 00:27:45:23
my journey has really changed. And what really changed to me was where I stopped giving a fuck what people think. I started doing life for me. How did you do that?
00:27:46:01 – 00:28:06:00
Lessons. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve been taken advantage of by people. I’ve obviously. But I’ve learned that burnout wasn’t right for me. I’ve put myself into varmints, where in my gut feeling, I’ve known it’s not been right, but I’ve done it anyway because of my ego and pride. And then I’ve left and felt shit.
00:28:06:02 – 00:28:16:19
So it’s been years and years and years of almost really having awareness about myself, knowing what actually truly makes me happy.
00:28:16:19 – 00:28:27:14
Because I haven’t been happy. I mean, I moved to Bali like six months ago, leaving my full time job. But I’m stressed and generally going, I’m not going to do that anymore.
00:28:27:14 – 00:28:37:15
But the more sober I’ve been, the more I’ve learned what’s right for me, the more I started motivational speaking, change people’s lives, purpose, putting boundaries, and the more my self-esteem has grown.
00:28:37:17 – 00:28:51:10
So it’s taken years for me to get there. But now I know what truly makes me happy. I know the minute I walk into a club and I’m surrounded by people that actually don’t really care about me, but it’s all about what I look like and my status. And, you know, me wearing makeup and how many followers I have.
00:28:51:15 – 00:29:10:12
I know that truly, deep down, I’m not really accepting myself, so I don’t do it anymore. I prefer going for a run and getting up and eating well and going on the beach. So it’s about finding more authentic self, which recovery has given me because I’ve become my authentic self by being away from substances.
00:29:10:12 – 00:29:17:07
And what’s, what coping strategies have you found most helpful in maintaining your sobriety?
00:29:17:09 – 00:29:35:12
So, breath works really helped me. I really highly recommend it. Meditation has really helped me. I know it’s always way, but generally just start like, it’s not about worries about what fits comfortably for you. What’s right for someone else might not be right for them. Exactly. It’s what fits for you. Exactly. So
00:29:35:12 – 00:29:47:02
what I would know is what you’re Kobe, so my coping strategy is like taking a step back, sitting down and asking myself questions like, are you doing what makes you happy?
00:29:47:02 – 00:30:11:12
Or are you, you know, slowing down, slowing down for me. So, like, I’d always do like a journal or checklist or check in throughout the day of how I’m really feeling. Look at my week. Like structure is helped fitness has helped. Looking at my week plan structure is a great one. Yeah, like but looking at my week plan and like, you know what I did like years and years ago was like, I literally 50 million things in the day.
00:30:11:13 – 00:30:34:08
And they’d be like, it’s fine. Like, you know, but then one thing would work off to the other, and then I realize I’m burnt out. Whereas now I look at my structure and routine and have like two days a week where I rest, more me time because I have to bring back my energy. I realize that I have so much energy to give, but also I can receive so much energy that I can feel depleted and burnt out.
00:30:34:10 – 00:30:37:21
So I’ve really had to really take a step back and slow down.
00:30:37:21 – 00:31:04:12
Fitness changed my life. That’s my coping strategy. I get up and go for a run. Being around good people, my environment is everything. So I always look around who I spend my time with. Trying to think of what else stop people pleasing. So, like, really gone in tune with who I am and what actually I want to do.
00:31:04:14 – 00:31:11:06
If I don’t want to do something now, I don’t do it. It’s really helped me. And
00:31:11:06 – 00:31:32:07
radical acceptance, like DBT stuff. Emotional regulation, radical acceptance. Accepting myself for who I am, where I am at this moment in time, really, really helps me, realizing my thoughts are not valid. You know, I just said to you literally just now, I was like, so far I’ve got body dysmorphia.
00:31:32:08 – 00:31:48:07
Like, my head can tell me these things. I can look at a photo and think I’m fat. I think a lot of women relate to this. A lot of people relate to that. Yeah, and I can look at that. But what I’ve done is now what I do is I do the opposite of by thinking I change the way that I think and go.
00:31:48:07 – 00:31:57:10
That’s not reality. Just because I think I’m fat doesn’t mean I’m fat, you know? So I’ve rewired the way that I think about things as well, which is really help me.
00:31:57:10 – 00:32:07:23
Yeah. I mean, you’re still young, you’re still 31, right? I’m a baby. Okay, I wouldn’t go. That’s not okay. Still, you’re still 30. And that means you go out.
00:32:08:00 – 00:32:26:14
How do you deal with going out with other people that are drinking? Let’s say you met a guy tomorrow. They go got for a meal. He wants a couple of beers. How do you deal with that? I don’t think there’s any issue with the couple of beers. It’s when they’re on a different level. I mean, they’re really drunk, and you miss a couple of beers every day.
00:32:26:16 – 00:32:43:15
Yeah, I would, I won’t take him. So if someone drinks two pints every day that you won’t take them? No. Two pints. I don’t think it’s that bad. If they were drunk, drunk, I would take them. Okay, so you don’t. When they’re drinking. I don’t want them to get to a point where they don’t know what’s going on.
00:32:43:16 – 00:33:05:06
Exactly. Okay, so I was in, I probably shouldn’t show this by, But, I was actually in Bali dating a guy. Who. It’s a French guy. French people don’t believe in alcoholism. They they actually. I think you could say that about many cultures. You know, I was in Spain last week. It’s very similar. I was in Italy last month with a friend of mine, and I.
00:33:05:06 – 00:33:22:06
What I drink for breakfast. There’s no more. Yeah. It’s a cultural upbringing. Yeah. So you’re in Bali and you’re dating a French guy that’s like them working 20 cigarets a day, okay? And drinking a lot. Okay? I just couldn’t do it. You. I felt very uncomfortable. Yeah, I got rid of him. You got rid of him because he was drinking daily?
00:33:22:06 – 00:33:38:13
Yeah. Okay. And that’s the thing. It’s like I’ve got a lot of my friends drink, a lot of my friends don’t drink. So when you go out with them when they’re drinking, it doesn’t bother you, doesn’t bother me anymore. You can be in that environment. Yes. You’re comfortable with them? Yes. Okay. And you can date some of the drinks.
00:33:38:13 – 00:34:14:00
It doesn’t bother you? Yes. That’s good, that’s good. What did you lose through your addiction, though? I didn’t really lose anything, really. It didn’t get that bad to the point where I was dying, but I could have got bad. Yeah, and I was very lucky to nip it in the bud. Like how I see it, it was going down a bad route, so I decided to get sober earlier on whether or not it was my choice in my head that it getting worse because it would have got bad.
00:34:14:02 – 00:34:18:08
Okay. And what’s your greatest achievements as being sober?
00:34:18:08 – 00:34:34:09
My greatest achievement is, working with Amy Winehouse Foundation, doing talks, going to schools. And what do you do that you go into schools? I was going into schools to tell me, how does that work? Oh, I was going at schools and doing talks around my story about how you got.
00:34:34:09 – 00:34:52:12
So how about how I got to encourage children to do the science and not drink? Yes. That’s commendable. It was amazing. But then I started working in Hong Kong because I lived in Hong Kong for years. For the Kelly Group going into international school was doing talks. And then I was, you know, going into festivals.
00:34:52:12 – 00:35:00:07
I’m doing a talk tomorrow at a festival around self-sabotage. Right. Talking to people of your generation. My generation was. Yeah.
00:35:00:07 – 00:35:09:15
Doing the talk at the end of the month around addiction. Mainly my story and how I found my authenticity for addiction.
00:35:09:15 – 00:35:10:12
I think that’s a great thing.
00:35:10:12 – 00:35:14:12
I think it’s a great thing to be able to inspire other people to to share your story.
00:35:14:12 – 00:35:35:03
I think I’m also that I’m really I’m really pleased that you do that. And I think a lot of people that get clean, get sober, drugs, drink, whatever. I think they also want to put something back into society. Yeah, that’s a great thing. Yeah, I think it’s a great thing to tell your story and to inspire the people to hopefully follow in the same footsteps.
00:35:35:03 – 00:35:57:13
Yeah. I mean, mine is generally people I want to I want to normalize the word. I want like everyone has this idea of what an alcoholic is, a whiskey drinking apart badge or heroin. I just saw the street and I want to be able to normalize that. Anyone can have a problem. And also people in my age can have issues, and there’s no shame around it.
00:35:57:19 – 00:36:18:05
So if I were to have a target market, it would be people my age. Because I do think especially in the UK, it’s rife. I think it’s rife all over the world, especially, it is rife with anything in England. We probably have it slightly better than France, Italy, Germany. I’ve been to many of those countries, and I have clients in all of those countries, and it’s worse in a lot of countries.
00:36:18:05 – 00:36:22:23
Not saying it’s great. I’m saying we’re not quite as bad, but it’s bad, right? Yeah,
00:36:22:23 – 00:36:24:13
I do think sorry to interrupt, but
00:36:24:13 – 00:36:40:17
I do think the reason why is quite bad is because of the hustle culture and the fact that people don’t have time to sit still and the fast paced ness of it. So people are so burnt out that they use alcohol.
00:36:40:17 – 00:37:12:03
This is me as well, right? They use alcohol to be able to have that calmness. Yeah. I think there’s a multitude of reasons though. If you look at it, I think, you know, we look at society if you grew up in an environment, your family have a glass of wine with a meal every evening or on the weekends, or if your dad’s in the pub or your mum’s in the purple people come round and have a little tipple which Christmas and have a drink and you know, oh, excuse me, I think it’s part of our culture, you know, you can cross the road and buy alcohol no matter where you live, virtually in this country.
00:37:12:05 – 00:37:13:22
And I think it’s socially acceptable
00:37:13:22 – 00:37:26:13
and I think that’s how it is. Yeah. And that’s what affects us. But I think it’s inspiring to share your story, to help other people, you know, to be there to say, I’ve been there, I’ve done it, and I go out and if I’ve been there and I’ve done it, I know I can get out.
00:37:26:15 – 00:37:44:16
You know, you’ve got to find the right path to do that, whether you seek help or whatever you do. But there’s a way out, right? Yeah. And the one thing that I identified from a young age, which I was really best about, was the progressive illness was that by 12 I said, I’ve never smoked a cigaret, I’d never do marijuana, I’d never drink that, obviously did it.
00:37:44:16 – 00:37:51:14
Then by 15 I was like, fuck, I’ll never do drugs, did drugs. And then by 18 I was like, doing it. Oh, so
00:37:51:14 – 00:38:04:18
what I do say to people is like, yeah, you may not be that bad now, but if you look at heightened soil and you’ve seen the progressiveness of it, doesn’t mean you’re just going to stop, it will keep going until you do something about it.
00:38:04:19 – 00:38:25:05
Absolutely. I mean, listen, I don’t think you’re ever going to find a person watching this who’s going to say, when I first started, I realized I would have an addiction. Of course not. Whether it’s alcohol, whether it’s it doesn’t matter what the substance is, what the substance is. Nobody at the beginning thought to themselves, I’m going to use this, and eventually I’m going to become addicted.
00:38:25:05 – 00:38:35:20
They thought, I’m going to use this long life to have a laugh and that’s it. They didn’t think any deeper than that. It’s only years later that you look back and go, how the fuck did I get to where I am? And I hear that a lot.
00:38:35:20 – 00:38:40:07
Learn. It’s been inspiring. To have you here. It’s a real pleasure.
00:38:40:07 – 00:38:47:19
Thank you for coming. Just before we finish, I like to give all my guests an opportunity to to answer this very same question.
00:38:47:19 – 00:39:16:04
Somebody listening to this who has a problem with alcohol, what advice would you give to them? My advice would be maybe take yourself out of your environment and look at it and understand why you’re doing the things you do, but also know that if you cannot stop, if I say to you today, please stop, can you stop?
00:39:16:04 – 00:39:37:16
And you say you want to stop and you can’t stop, you’re most likely got an alcohol problem. It doesn’t get any better. It just gets worse. Look at your life. Ask yourself if you’re living in it or existing in it. Are you actually happy? You actually, you know, generally feeling like you are in a good place by having this addiction or illness and there’s no shame about getting help.
00:39:37:16 – 00:39:39:12
It’s only going to make you a better person.
00:39:39:12 – 00:39:56:10
And every single person that I’ve met, I was on the call with Cory and the other day he’s like, I was amazing guy. And he’s running like he’s been sober a year. He’s running like 100 million miles around Ibiza because he’s doing loads of drugs and I BFA. And I said to him, like, it’s your superpower, isn’t it?
00:39:56:10 – 00:40:11:05
And he’s like, the best thing I did was get sober because you can channel it in so many other ways. So it’s a start to something. If you do get help, you just need to do something about it. And there’s no harm with, you know, try and you could always go back to your drunken Lord, thank you for coming clean with me.
00:40:11:06 – 00:40:14:19
You’re very welcome to show you. Thank you.